I suppose that title makes me seem insincere.
First, for those astute/strangely caring enough to notice, I'm up very early. My uncle accidentally woke me up on his way to work again. I sleep very lightly and this happens virtually every time he's on shift. I also have a really hard time going to sleep, but I always have. Gonna need a lot of caffeine today.
Second, if it does seem insincere I suppose it's because I'm only sort of distantly depressed. My mom and dad have been separated for almost as long as I can remember. He hasn't been directly involved in my life much simply because of geography, just the occasional visit when I was younger. We talked now and then and he was my dad and I loved him but it's not like my life has changed that much.
It almost seems cruel because he's my dad and he's gone and I just didn't get all these memories you're supposed to have of your father and wow this is harder than I thought. I guess it's hard for me to put into words which is weird because I've always thought I was pretty good at communicating. We've been talking less and I was kind of mad at him because he's been ribbing me about not getting my license yet and whenever that gets brought up I get all stereotypically teenager angry/sulky. That was kind of what our last conversation was about too.
If it makes sense, I miss what I never had as much as what I've lost. My dad wasn't the greatest man on earth and I really wish he had the chance to make more amends before he passed. As it stands his story just ended too soon.
I guess writing this down coherently did help. Maybe now that my thoughts are gathered I can talk to mom or Ash about it now instead of just ignoring him in death like I did in life.
No comments:
Post a Comment